Friday, April 20, 2012

My Love Letter from Mitt

That Willard Romney is so smooth.  Not smooth like our down-with-the-pop-culture President.  But he is smooth, like a fine gauged emery board.

I’m sure my expressive face was screwed into a WTF kind of mug when I saw the letter in my mailbox yesterday.  The return address was MITT ROMNEY.  If it had gotten lost in the mail ( if only!) I guess he thought our top-drawer postal service would know where to find him.  Mitt don’t need no stinkin’ address.

Normally I would have tossed it.  This time something told me to open it and see what the suave one was up to.

Somebody in the Romney campaign needs to take some sales training from me or somebody else who knows better than to send a four page, front and back missive to a registered Democrat with a lede like this:]

Monday Morning (yes, that’s the way it was dated)

Dear Fellow American,

I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.

If I, L, am one of America’s most notable Republicans, it’s probably because I am a Democrat, Mitt.  Nice try with the psychology, though. 

One thing ole Mitt has mastered for real, however, is the art of the unsaid.

Some examples from my love letter:

It is simple, really.  I believe in America. (Unsaid: Especially because I am hella rich!)

Like you, I care deeply about America’s history, its promise, and its future.  And, like you, I am sick and tired of BIG GOVERNMENT. (Unsaid: which is why I want to tell each and every one of you how to live, what to think, and how many babies you should have.  I’ll do it all myself; no need for a big government there.)

The fundamental question of this election is:

Do we place our trust in government or in the American people?

Uhm, Mitt?  Have you forgotten? The government IS the American people.  You know “of the people, by the people and for the people?”  I am an American.  I am a person (maybe not in your view, I’ll grant you that.)  How about putting YOUR trust in me to know what’s best for me when it comes to my sex life and my reproductive functions?

Under the Obama administration, the middle class has been crushed.  Nearly 24 million of our fellow Americans are still out of work, struggling to find work, or have just stopped looking.  The median income has dropped 10% in four years…(Unsaid:  Even I have been affected by this failed Obama policy.  My income only increased 110%!)

There are 3 1/2 more pages of similarly compelling text, far too pithy to go into here.  He summarizes his success in the private sector, his time served as CEO of the 2002 Winter Games in Salt Lake City, and his charge from the people of Massachusetts to accomplish “another seemingly impossible turnaround.”  No mention of Bain anywhere in the letter.  Must have been an oversight.  Yeah, that’s it. The rest is a litany of the ways Obama has failed the American people.

Near the bottom of the second page of this manuscript designed to get me to write a check for “$35, $50, $100, $250, $500, $1,000, or even the maximum $2,500…”  this appears:

Won’t you please stand with me?

No, Mitt, I won’t.  I had never planned to, but this letter from you has tightened my grasp on reality.  I don’t think you are very honest.  I don’t think you are very smart.  And I don’t like the way you can’t seem to shake your country club persona long enough to be able to ascertain on your own feet that suggesting a $10,000 wager on live television to an audience who, on average, wouldn’t be able to pony up even $10 is probably a bad idea.

You claim your business background and record has provided you with the skills you need to turn our country around. If this letter and the fact that I received it are any indication of the way your campaign is being run, well…let’s just say I find it lacking.  You even forgot to add the phrase “…or whatever amount you can afford” to the ask. 

It was so nice to hear from you, Mitt.  I have a feeling this won’t be my last love letter, since my name has somehow landed on your VIP list.  I’m thinking it’s because I write to my esteemed Georgia Senators and Congress people to express my discomfort with most of what they do.  I know, I know.  I shouldn’t confuse you with the facts.

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